2002-10-21T14:45:00.000-07:00

This is my first blog entry. Yippity dooo da. Joinin' the bandwagon. =)

I hear great things about BLOG. Venting and writing is supposed to be very pleasurable for the soul. At least that's what I've been told.... I have a question though, and it alludes to the great ol' proverb, "IF A TREE FELL IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FOREST. WOULD ANYONE BE ABLE TO HEAR IT" Well???!!! Would anyone? That's what I find myself doin' today, so here it goes....

Just envision this ok... you're swish swashing down the great Tahoe snow in your snowboard.. you're pickin' up speed as you head downhill... damn you're good.. heh heh.. then swooosh! you tumble... damn! that snow is freakin' cold... you just ate it hard! face full of snow, back sore... you proceed to check if there's any bruises.. you check yourself and find everything's still in place.. you're relieved... NOW check your snowboots... you see the snow on the bottom of your boots? see it? that mush, that slush... Yeah.. that's how I feel this morning... that's what I am... I'm not very mindstrong this morning, and I could care less. I'm not super happy, nor am I extremely sad. I'm just MUSH... understand it if you will... who cares if you don't... but MUSH.. yeah.. that's me this morning.

There's no music blaring in my room to satisfy my sense of hearing, no one's perfume to permeate my sense of smell... no one's presence to satisfy my sense of loneliness... I almost wanna weep as I write this... so may I? Do you mind if I weep? OH heo... why am I asking for permission when I can just do as I please... this IS my BLOG isn't it? eyes watering as I'm typing... waaaaaaaaAAAAAA! waaaaaaaaaaAAAA! *snort snort* waaaaaaaAAA! heh heh... hahaha how silly I am.

Continue to use your imagination for me ok? now envision this... you're fuckin' tired and frustrated... you feel like you're being pulled from every direction... you feel like your life is complete, yet it's not... you feel supremely happy and bubbly one minute, and then dissapointed and melancholy the next... you feel like you know everyone in the world... yet you're still invisible... right this instance, you just want affection that lasts.... you experience temporary bliss w/ certain individuals, only to find that it can't be sustained... but who cares.. at least you get to experience bliss right?

You remind yourself, "You must LOVE yourself before you can share yourself with others." People live to share. They live to eat. People also live to fight loneliness... A gift is only significant if it is SHARED between two people. The food that you cook tastes profoundly better when you're preparing it for the people you love. Traveling adventures are only great if you can experience it w/ friends... so that you can SHARE those memories with each other.

My bliss in life comes from making people around me happy... bein' able to SHARE my insight, my experience, my enthusiasm, and my joy w/ friends & family... that's bliss.... So how awesome would it be if I got to share these things w/ someone more significant?! Pretty fuckin' awesome I think...! And how spectacular would it be if that significant person reciprocated all of my feelings? HOT DANG IT! I'm tickled in delight at the thought... =)

Now the cynics out there would say.... Rather than wait for this "special person," why don't you just experiment w/ different girls while the right one came along! Be a man Tai... be a fuckin' man and play around... blah blah blah... Have multiple partners.. who the fuck cares. I like to summarize this by defining it as the "FUCK n CHUCK" creed. And Sure! I've thought about living by the fuck and chuck creed... but that ain't my style... sex becomes a hobby.. a chore just like anything else when you view it as such. I want passion! Sex is 100X better when there's emotions backed up in the action. I want substance as well as the deed.

My buddy Vinh and I had a discussion about this before... and we came up w/ this analogy. A good PORNO gets tedious & boring after a while... but a good ROMANCE MOVIE never loses it's luster. I provide the analogy, you do the thinking. There are no right answers... it just depends on the individual to consider which one is more significant... That said, SEX is great! And I have nothing against it.... any man who tries to minimize sex is a fuckin' liar. It's alllllllllllllllways on our minds! =) Shoot, if I was in a relationship, I'd wanna "do it" all the time... anywhere, any place, umm.... u get the picture.. muahahahahaha ewwwwwww! picture... ! =)

The thing is, I've done the whole dating thing... but I'm ready for committment.

You see... I have three younger sisters whom I love dearly. I care about their happiness. I also care about the quality of men they surround themselves w/. If they should fall in love, I want them to be in love w/ a decent man whose honorable, FAITHFUL, loyal, and the whole nine.... Being the only boy in the family... I don't want them to view their big bro as a creep. I figure, IF I want them to date great men w/ such lofty qualities, I might as well aspire to be one -- a quality man. The only way I have credibility with my sisters is if I back up my talk w/ actions. That said, it's tough being a good man. It's exhausting and frustrating when I see other's together and I still have noone to call my own. It saddens me that I'm not merely satisfied w/ being loved by many... I'd rather be loved by ONE...

I live to eat... & laugh... & love... & share... and until I find that significant person whom I can share myself w/... I must continually fight loneliness... I fight it by keeping myself extremely busy w/ VSU, Culture night, friends, school, and sports. I'm finding out that keeping myself busy is pretty damn exhausting.... And lately, I've been reminded of how much I'm yearning for a hot girl... heh heh.. Thanks a lot Teresa! And hey, Tai isn't a meanie. In retrospect, thank you for provoking me... and makin' me conjure up all his pent up energy and expressing it through this verbage... thuong thuong... =)

Hahahhaa... this sure sounds like a MELTDOWN doesn't it...? Perhaps it is! I don't give a fuck! Hahaha..

Whew! How the hell did I write so much... Just lettin' it flow babee... lettin' it flow...
Man.. this is pretty therapuetic.. I wonder if anyone's gonna read this... =/

Goes back to what I addressed earlier... if a tree fell in the middle of the forest, would anyone hear it? Similarly, I'm screaming at the top of my lungs through this forum... in the great abyss of the internet.... can anyone hear me?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!(#@*@#^$*@^#&*$*UIEUOIQUE!!kjasl;kdfj;alkjdf;lkajsfd!!!!!!

I'm gonna conclude this blog by declaring..

"I need a hot girl" =)

-Tai

Tai's Journal